Just So l'Cie
by Flenuty
Summary: Barthandelus and the group mull over the strange and unfortunate circumstances in their lives. Warning: Overwhelmingly cracky.


**WARNING: SPOILERS  
**

* * *

**Just So l'Cie  
**

''Do you ever get this strange feeling that...'' Vanille flapped her arms awkwardly. ''...that our fights with enemies usually seem so...controlled?''

''You should try associating that word with Fang.'' said Lightning.

Fang scoffed. ''Years in that glorified golf ball have obviously shown you nothing I see.'' She took out her spear and impressively swung it around. ''We Pulsians are not _beasts_.''

''Yeah!'' cooed Vanille. ''We are quite kind!''

''Where's Hope?'' asked Sazh.

''He is thinking over the slapdash turn of events that have currently occurred in his life.'' drawled Fang, gesturing to the figure that lay hunched over a rock, lovingly stroking Lightning's bladeknife, Hope sulkily looked back the others and stopped on Snow. He stared at him. Hard.

''I know what Vanille means about the whole controlled thing.'' Lightning said, frowning. ''Who else feels a sensation of restriction?''

''I remember running into walls...'' mumbled Vanille. ''But walls were not there.''

''Of course Vanille.'' Lightning turned to Fang. ''And didn't I break your Eidolon Crystal when we performed that ridiculous stunt in the sky?''

''You did...'' replied Fang, scratching her head. ''And now I have it back!''

''And how is that anytime I'm injured in fights you all tickle me with those stupid feathers?'' Sazh exclaimed. ''How the hell did we get those feathers anyway?''

''And what's with those floating things that turn into multiple screens when we touch them?'' Snow asked.

''And why is it that our Eidolons have clear intentions to kill us when we first-''

''Enough questions!'' Lightning boomed. ''We must move on, and find some foliage to eat-''

Just then, something flashed in front of them and they helplessly fell back, a trademark laughter filled their ears.

''BARTHANDELUS!'' Snow boomed, scrambling towards him to perform another failed attack, much to Snow's dismay, Barthandelus smoothly conjured Protect which sent him somersaulting on Sazh.

''Do preserve your machismo overgrown one.'' Barthandelus crooned. ''You do not battle me until the next chapter.''

''Thank goodness.'' grunted Fang, lowering her spear. ''So why are you here then?''

''I merely overheard your incessant babbling on the transmitter while I was eating my CFC snack pack.''

''Carbuncle Fried Chocobo?'' Snow groaned, shaking as he got up. ''I eat that too.''

''Indeed. Now I am merely here as a friend and not a scary fal'Cie.'' announced Barthandelus. ''Despite my supremacy, I too have my doubts...''

''Yeah right,'' said Lightning. ''Or are you just here to physiologically trick us into carrying out the destruction of Cocoon?''

''Perhaps.'' said Barthandelus. ''But if you use the correct microscopes, you can see a heart beneath all of that metallic monstrosity. I often contemplate on the troubles you all face, and how obvious the sexual connotations are in your friend's Eidolons.''

''Styria and Nix are merely a helping hand!'' said Snow indignantly.

''Of course.'' Barthandelus strode theatrically across them, the silken hems of his skirt dragging forlornly across the floor. ''I often..._ponder _on my powers. I manage to defeat Colonel Jihl Nabaat at my weakest with a single use of Ruin and yet it takes a mere three of you to bring me down in my ultimate forms.''

''Perhaps you need to upgrade?'' Vanille asked helpfully.

''The great do not upgrade!'' Barthandelus boomed. ''Could you imagine me in a desperate struggle with the other fal'Cie over strength-bolstering items?'' He thrust out his manicured nails over his lips in shock. ''Never!''

''Yeah well we have our own issues_ Bart_.'' Fang growled. ''And if you don't mind we are now going to-''

''It's Barthandelus!'' Hope screamed, sprinting over and leaping into Vanille's arms. ''Why aren't we attacking?''

''I was wondering where your androgynous friend was.'' mused Barthandelus. ''Another unfortunate excuse for a l'Cie, driven into the games of the mysterious forces of these mysterious comings.''

''I have always wondered how you manage to keep that chocobo in place when you are running around, Sazh.'' babbled Fang. ''Do you use a special casket or something?''

''Uh, well...it's just the _afro_?''

''Everyone always depends on me to heal!'' Vanille squeaked. ''Honestly I need backup-''

''Are there not enough gunblades in this bloody world?'' Lightning barked.

''Like I said, you must carry out your Focus in order to-''

''ENOUGH!'' Snow screamed, performing a thunderous jump that sent Barthandelus tottering in bewilderment. ''I know why we have all these weird things coming! I-know why! It's so easy, just listen!''

''WHAT?'' They boomed.

Snow's eyes shone in ephemeral light. ''It's Serah! She's telling us to-''

Barthandelus struck out a shapely finger, conjuring a spark that left Snow glassy-eyed and toppling to the ground. He turned to the others and yawned.

''Honestly,'' he started, ''just who can muster the patience to have this sloppy stereotype around in swashbuckling adventures.'' He thrust out his hands in the air. ''Not Barthandelus.''

''Nor Lightning,'' Lightning scowled, ''he's dating my crystallized sister.''

''That's harsh girlfriend.'' Barthandelus sighed. ''Now if you will all excuse me I need to monitor over PSICOM's tyranny. And don't worry about the idiot, the thing will wear off. It's a mere debuff.''

They all waved happily as Barthandelus rose into the air, his bloomers accidentally came up on display. He shot off as a beaming light into the sky.

Vanille looked up admiringly at the fading brightness. ''I _like_ Barthandelus.''

''Should he really be a villain?'' asked Sazh.

A sudden wind scattered with petal leaves swirled around Lightning's faultless figure, illuminating her skin and eyes.

''I don't know..'' she whispered, petal leaves softly settled themselves on her face, they sponged the tears that flowed down her cheeks. ''I just don't know...''

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Just why is it that I get the crackiest ideas in the night time? Am I creatively nocturnal?


End file.
